|I normally hide my true feeling very well, every now & then the bubble bursts & the tears fall.|
I knew it would catch up with me eventually. What surprised me was the amount of tears and heartache that came with it. It's a hard reality to accept that no matter how "well you control Type 1" will never stop the possibilities of other long term conditions and acute admissions.
The honest truth is Type 1 Diabetes is a law until it's self all you can do is fire fight on a daily basis.
My first DSN (she was lovely) told me I would learn to cope & live with it all. I do! However what she failed to mention was, the worry, lack of sleep, the complete unpredictability of Type 1, the relentless dedicated care that is needed to achieve a reasonable Hba1c.Together with holding down a job, a relationship with your partner and other children is virtually impossible. Even more annoying is everyone expects you to smile & be happy!! Even when people make really "stupid statements" we are told just smile it's not their fault, so we have to manage other people's feelings too. God Forbid we should ever be honest.
The unexpected tears from your child, when they are having a moment of realisation, that yes they are different.
The lack of understanding of the general public. The endless battles with education, some GP's, some Consultants, none of this ever fades.
So today I have my happy mask on, but what lies beneath is really rather sad. It's a mum who desperately wants her old life back before Type 1 Diabetes & Coeliac Disease.
Tomorrow I will probably feel much positive, as the online Diabetes Community has given me the release of writing honestly without wearing a mask or pretending. I feel that at times of great sadness this helps me heal until the next little set back. That and my sister & a close friend who listened to me last night & checked to see if I was OK this morning.
My smiles will always outshine my worries, but every now and again the tears will roll. I know that one day my smiles will be real each & everyday, that day will be when Type 1 is cured.