Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Truth,Tears & Emotions

I normally hide my true feeling very well, every now & then the bubble bursts & the tears fall.
It is a week since Claudia was in hospital. So why am I suddenely tearful. As a parent of a child with Type 1 I have learnt to put my own feeling aside in order to be strong for Claudia and my girls.

I knew it would catch up with me eventually. What surprised me was the amount of tears and heartache that came with it. It's a hard reality to accept that no matter how "well you control Type 1" will never stop the possibilities of other long term conditions and acute admissions.

The honest truth is Type 1 Diabetes is a law until it's self all you can do is fire fight on a daily basis.

My first DSN (she was lovely) told me I would learn to cope & live with it all. I do! However what she failed to mention was, the worry, lack of sleep, the complete unpredictability of Type 1, the relentless dedicated care that is needed to achieve a reasonable Hba1c.Together with holding down a job, a relationship with your partner and other children is virtually impossible. Even more annoying is everyone expects you to smile & be happy!! Even when people make really "stupid statements" we are told just smile it's not their fault, so we have to manage other people's feelings too. God Forbid we should ever be honest.

The unexpected tears from your child, when they are having a moment of realisation, that yes they are different.

The lack of understanding of the general public. The endless battles with education, some GP's, some Consultants, none of this ever fades.


So today I have my happy mask on, but what lies beneath is really rather sad. It's a mum who desperately wants her old life back before Type 1 Diabetes & Coeliac Disease.

Tomorrow I will probably feel much  positive, as the online Diabetes Community has given me the release of writing honestly without wearing a mask or pretending. I feel that at times of great sadness this helps me heal until the next little set back. That and my sister & a close friend who listened to me last night & checked to see if I was OK this morning.

My smiles will always outshine my worries, but every now and again the tears will roll. I know that one day my smiles will be real each & everyday, that day will be when Type 1 is cured.

4 comments:

  1. I have tears rolling over here too! It took me 8 months after my son's diagnosis to finally grieve. There's no easy way with autoimmune issues. They just come and invade your life. I'm sending HUGS your way!!!!

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  2. I go through the different stages ALL of the time. It's not like once you've hit acceptance, everything is just magically okay. Sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down. But I think it's ok to be sad...as long as you know tomorrow will be better!

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  3. Same-same!! I have been trying to find my real smile again, but for now I have become really good at plastering a fake one.

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